Attention, men: Please do not put your penis in a coconut

Attention, men: Please do not put your penis in a coconut
This is a coconut. Not a sex toy. (Picture: Getty)

Today in ‘wow, kind of wish we didn’t know that’ news, apparently there are some group in a universe who are branch coconuts into temporary sex toys.

Over on a TIFU (that’s currently we f***ed up, for a uninitiated) subreddit, one male going by coconutthrowaway69, has common a story patrician ‘TIFU by cumming in a coconut’.

Alexa can now play we ‘baby-making’ song on direct if we wish it to

Right then.

‘Around 8 years behind we lived in Northern Mozambique, a coastal southern African nation with utterly a comfortable climate,’ this poser coconut-banger explains.

‘My mom during a time was going by a ‘health nut’ proviso and usually shopping dishes she deemed healthy enough. One of these was coconuts. She would buy several coconuts a week to use in food from a internal market.’

Being a excitable immature man, coconutthrowaway69 motionless that these coconuts would not be for eating. They would be for f***ing.

He drilled a vast hole in a coconut, combined some butter (for lube), and shoved his penis in a coconut.

Attention, men: Please do not put your penis in a coconut
Also a coconut. Also not a sex toy. (Picture: Getty)

‘It indeed feels flattering damn good so we blow my load, force a coconut underneath my bed and continue about my day,’ he writes.

‘For a subsequent week a coconut is my saviour.

‘Whenever we wish to get off we simply take it out and fuck it in a delightfully parsimonious hole done improved any time by accumulating volumes of my semen and butter behaving as a lubricant. It’s heaven.’

We’re only going to postponement here to let everybody get over a visible of a coconut sloshing with semen and butter. Pleasant.

Now, while this story has been offensive from a get-go, this is where it gets worse. This is where it gets horribly, horribly wrong.

Attention, men: Please do not put your penis in a coconut
Don’t put your penis in a coconut. (Picture: Getty Images)

‘About a week and a bit after a initial coconut fuck (I had been regulating it flattering most each day given then) we start to notice a few some-more flies than common as good as an odd, upsetting smell about my room,’ he says.

‘Must be a coconut right? So we confirm that I’ll fuck it once some-more before we chuck it out and get a new one.

‘Worst mistake we have ever made.

‘You see, a reason for a increasing series of flies was that a coconut was evidently, in hindsight, a scarcely ideal place to lay eggs.

‘As we dig a coconut one final time we start to feel a bizarre wriggling sensation.

Attention, men: Please do not put your penis in a coconut
Don’t do it. (Picture: Getty)

‘Puzzled, we lift my cock out to learn that it is COVERED in rotted and moldy butter and semen and TEEMING WITH TINY FUCKING MAGGOTS.

‘They were wriggling all over my dick conduct and some were even perplexing to force their approach adult into my urethra.’

He then, naturally, threw a coconut opposite a room in fear and had to purify adult a maggoty, semeny, coconutty disaster from his floor.

He afterwards motionless to share his story with a world, as a word of warning to other people with penises deliberation adhering pronounced penises in coconuts.

But instead of portion as a warning, it gave people ideas.

A discerning hunt of Reddit reveals mixed other posts from people divulgence that, desirous by that strange coconut-f***ing incident, they, too, had put their penis in a coconut.

Attention, men: Please do not put your penis in a coconut
This is a banana. Do not put your banana in a coconut. (Picture: Ella BYworth for Metro.co.uk)

Stories embody ‘TIFU by perplexing to f*** a coconut’, and ‘TIFU by not cleaning adult after f***ing a coconut’.

Now obviously, all of these stories have been posted on Reddit and haven’t been verified.

We’ve reached out to a strange coconut-banger to discuss (and hopefully get some justification that won’t engage cinema of pronounced coconut, since we really, unequivocally don’t wish to see that), and will refurbish this story if we hear back.

But only in box a initial story was clearly not adequate to inhibit people from ever, ever putting their penis in a coconut, we suspicion we’d only repeat a summary here, firmly.

DO NOT PUT YOUR PENIS IN A COCONUT.

Fruit, vegetables, and other food objects (yes, even pies) are not designed to put your penis inside.

Attention, men: Please do not put your penis in a coconut
Also a coconut. Also not for your penis. (Picture: Getty)

They’re filled with sugars that can means repairs to a ethereal skin on a penis (and will wreak massacre on a vagina, if we occur to follow adult your coconut-f***ing by putting your penis in an tangible vagina), and can be disintegrating and acidic.

You could finish adult spiteful your penis in all kinds of ways by putting it in food. The food competence be too prohibited (again, pies are a bad idea) and leave we with burns, too acidic and means repairs to your skin, or could have severe surfaces that give we pain and irritation.

Plus, as a story indicates, it’s not really sterilizing to leave fruit and veg around after rupturing into it – generally after stuffing it with semen.

Instead of resorting to temporary sex toys, it competence be time to normalise group going to a store and shopping things privately done for a functions of masturbating.

Just like women shopping vibrators, it’s ideally alright for group to provide themselves to collection that make a masturbation knowledge some-more silken or exciting. There shouldn’t be any weirdness around it, we shouldn’t decider group for doing it, and a some-more we normalise men’s purchasing of sex toys, a reduction they’ll feel ashamed adequate to f*** a coconut so they don’t have to face judgy eyes for removing a fleshlight delivered.

Masturbating is normal. Using toys can be great. Both Ann Summers and LELO have dedicated men’s sex toys sections, finish with all a Fleshlights, cock rings, and prostate massagers your heart and penis could presumably desire.

Treat yourself to a sex fondle if we feel like your wank sesh needs a small jazzing up. Do not put your penis in a coconut.

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Posted by on Aug 8 2017. Filed under LOVE + SEX. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry

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